Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Time flying, gratuitous swearing and then some more gratuitous swearing

Time flies when you're having fun, or alternatively time flies when you're flying back and forth to California. I can't believe we are already up to the 8th February. It seems like only yesterday that it was payday, and now, thanks to those lovely folks who made February have 28 days, it is only three weeks until the next one.

Essentially, my entire Saturday was spent sat in taxis, airports and planes. It was not a particularly fun day. Although I did at least get to sit next to respectable businessmen on the plane, and write in my little book of swear words. For those who are not in the know, which I expect encompasses nearly everybody, my little book of swear words is a mini legal pad that I was given by a friend a couple of weeks ago. I was given it so that I would have something to write rude words on, when the need arose (and the need arises quite frequently), without having to find a receipt, piece of paper or other suitable surface. Anyhow, while I was squashed in to an economy class seat the need to write profanity did, unsurprisingly, arise. One page of the notebook is now entirely covered with the phrase "Bollocks Cunt Wanker", repeated many times in a nice, almost geometrical fashion. On the second flight the phrase of choice was "Arse Fucker Whore" (which as a friend pointed out to me once, would have a slightly different meaning if it contained four words and not three).

The second flight, which was the short hop from Chicago to Columbus, was filled with little odd instances that left me bemused and/or amused. I had a window seat for the flight, and it was one of the most deceptively uncomfortable seats that I have ever had this misfortune of sitting in. — when I sat down I thought this is quite a nice seat, but by the time we took-off my arse and knees where in agony, the joy of little planes. As we taxied out of the gate area I had a chance to look at the genetic throwback that was guiding us out, he was not a million miles away from John Nicholson's description of the Bubba, which did not fill me with confidence. It was right at this moment that the stewardess said something to the effect of, For your safety, window blinds must remain open during take-off. So, I'm sat there looking out the window at this strange ape-man, who is apparently in charge of where the plane will go, wondering how the window blind being open is going to aid my safety. As far as I could tell all the window blind being open did was terrify me with a view of the kind of workers who are allowed access to the 'secure' areas of the airport. Later on in the flight, when we were over middle of nowhere Ohio or Indiana, I saw one of the better looking sunsets that I've seen recently. I'd try and describe it, but I'm sure you can all imagine what a pretty sunset looks like, I do really wish I could have taken a photo of it though. I think that the pilot also really liked the sunset, as we, for no apparent reason, performed a 360 degree turn at this point before continuing in, seemingly, our original direction.

On the subject of gratuitous swearing, well we were before I got distracted by Bubba and sunsets, I have to thank whoever (and I'm moderately certain I know who it was) sent me the link to the excellent London Underground song. In fact I thought it was so brilliantly sweary that I went ahead and ordered myself a copy of the CD, it was only a tenner and, of course, all the profits go to those poor little kiddies.

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