In which nasty people attempt to insert things into one of the author's orifices... yes that one

A while ago I moved from lovely State College to lovely Columbus. Obviously this involved me changing apartments. My previous apartment was leased from a collection of crooks calling themselves The Apartment Store. I now despise their very existence.

This week I received my deposit cheque from these crooks. I could not believe the amount of money they had deducted from my $462 security deposit. They saw fit to deduct $402.36. Four hundred dollars! I was only in the apartment for 7 months. What the fuck did I do to the apartment that caused them to charge me so much money? Fortunately they provided a breakdown of charges to answer that question.

Monthly Rent	$0.03
Replace Bulb	$7.11
Administration Fee	$52.48
Repair Stains in Carpet	$60.00
Carpet Cleaning	$79.50
Repair and Paint Walls	$91.94
General Cleaning Entire Unit	$111.30

Now my previous apartment had 3 rooms: a main room, a kitchen and a tiny bathroom. How did they manage to spend $111.30 cleaning the apartment, after they'd already spent $230 cleaning the walls and the carpet? How? Because they are trying to fuck me up the bottom. And you know what the terrible thing is, they're probably going to get away with it (not the bottom bit, but the stealing my money bit). I'm going to send them a letter asking for some receipts and evidence that this ridiculous expense was necessary. But I just can't see how I'm going to get back anymore of my money. The bastards.

On the same day that the measly cheque (or check to any Americans reading this) arrived in my mailbox, there was a letter from Ohio State University. The letter was telling me that during the month of September I could enroll my same-sex domestic partner for health benefits. I suppose that they saw the way my previous landlord was treating me and assumed that I was of such a persuasion that I enjoyed being bent over and... well, you know what.